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“I was really, really upset, and I needed someone to give me some advice.”
Marco, a 16-year old high school student in California, is telling me about a
conversation he was having the other night on the Internet. His parents, both
military, had just gotten orders for an overseas transfer, and Marco was facing
the prospect of having his whole life uprooted. “I’m a Navy brat, so it’s not
like it’s never happened before. But we’ve lived here a long time. Since the
last time we moved I’ve come to realize that I’m gay, made some gay friends, and
I have this one boy that I like a lot.”
He says he doesn’t want to come out to his parents, doesn’t want his life to
change; he’s not certain how happy he’ll be cooped up on a Navy base in some
strange foreign country. With no relatives he could stay with here, flying the
coop was beginning to look like the only option. “I just couldn’t stand the idea
of living like that for two years until I could get back here to school. So I
was online, chatting with different people…I just wanted to hear some ideas.”
Marco tells me that, with all due respect to kids his own age, he’s just not
much interested in what they think when it come to major life decisions. “I’m
pretty grown up, I guess, in a lot of ways. Most kids just have a lot of
romantic, unrealistic ideas.” He was trying to seek out advice from someone with
a few years on him, someone who had been around the block a time or two. “But
all I found was two kinds of people in the chats. A few guys seemed like they
were really interested in helping me, but the longer I talked to them it was
like, ‘hey, I’d really like to hook up with you.’” And the other kind? “They
were nice to me for a few minutes, until I told them how old I was. Most of them
just stopped talking to me. One guy who didn’t stop talking got real angry with
me, told me to get off line and stop trying to get older guys into trouble.”
Of all the young guys I’ve talked with, Marco’s story really sticks out in my
mind, because it symbolizes the different attitudes many older men manifest when
they find themselves confronted with a gay youth, especially one who’s underage.
Some see the youngster as vulnerable, someone ripe for the picking. Others get
as far away as they can, as fast as they can, lest they be accused of anything
improper; many of them seem downright hostile to the kid, as if the very fact
that he’s an underage gay boy is something dangerous and volatile.
But most just seem to look the other way. “I never, ever talk to anyone I think
might be too young,” says Michael, a 44-year old designer on Long Island. “I
know they have it rough sometimes, but so did I. I survived, and trust me, the
world wasn’t half as accepting then as it is now. I’m sure they’ll find their
way without any help from me.”
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It’s rather odd time that I would just start this chapter as the headlines
scream of “pedophile priests” run amuck in parishes from coast to coast. (One
friend of mine the other day nudged me, and said in his inimitably sarcastic
fashion, “Where were these guys when I was in Catholic school? At least they
would have made it interesting!”) In the last few days I’ve read a half-dozen
stories of older men who’ve arranged on the Internet to meet someone younger,
often across state lines; of course when the unwitting sap arrives for his
nookie at the Motel 6, it’s the Feds who are waiting there to drop the hammer on
him, not the willing and able 16-year old he was expecting. (He’s fucked, all
right, just not in quite the manner he was hoping.)
I’m not making light of sexual abuse, nor am I pleading the Devil’s case here. I
have little sympathy for anyone who preys on kids who have no idea what they’re
getting into. I think people who joke about such things (as my friend above
does) do so to make the best of situations that give all of us a case of the
squirms. For truly these nefarious goings-on create a climate of suspicion and
prosecution of such withering proportions that you almost can’t blame any older
gay man for running like a scalded ape whenever a gay boy walks in the room. And
I’m not just talking about men over 30. Jonathan, a 20-year old college student
in Gainesville, Florida, tells me about the time a few months back when a
12-year old kid instant messaged him when he was online, asking him questions
about what it was like to be gay. “I played it safe and started ignoring him.
What if his mother happened to walk in the room? I don’t want to come across as
a pedophile. It’s not that I don’t care about him being opened up to gay
culture, it’s that I’m not going to put myself in the position to get into
trouble. Kids that age should be looking to their peers for support…the second
an ‘over’ age guy steps in they become a role model for the youth, and in
today’s society that’s not accepted.”
“There’s just too much risk these days to get involved with a gay kid, even if
it’s just being his friend or mentor,” says Carey, a 28-year old engineer in
Atlanta. “As soon as anyone finds out that I’m gay, they’re going to assume I’m
after him sexually. I would never do anything inappropriate with someone who
wasn’t old enough, but for some people, gay man plus gay boy equals a scandal,
and it doesn’t matter what the truth is. They’re sure I’m ‘doing him’ when no
one’s around. So I’m sorry, kid. You’re on your own. Call me when you’re legal.
Right now you’re untouchable.”
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