Excerpts from
Chapter One

There’s a line from an old Billy Joel tune, “We are only what our situations hand us.” Like any good lyric it crystallizes a too-often ignored truth, that we are all products of our times and circumstances. As I review the comments that younger and older gay men make about each other, it’s clear in many cases that neither group seems to know – or care -- where the other is coming from, much less where they’ve been or where they’re going. But that doesn’t stop them from talking about each other. Not by a long shot.

“Older guys? Forget it,” says Jamey, a 24-year old music store manager in Detroit. “I get bored out of my skull if one of them walks up to me and tries to start a conversation, even if he isn’t hitting on me, which he probably is.”

“I just can’t imagine what it would be like not to be able to be yourself at work, at home, wherever,” says Jason, a 24-year old graduate student in Boston. “I think it’s sad that there was a time when people felt like they had to be in the closet, but I can’t say that experience is really relevant to me today. We have rights now. All those old people’s stories are pretty boring and useless.”

“I hear about these guys who went cruising for sex all the time back in the 70’s, like it was some kind of big party,” says Joey, a 21-year old student in Michigan. “They’re the ones who all got AIDS and died. I think a lot of older guys are still like that, and they’re the ones who make it tougher for me to come out, because so many people still think gay equals AIDS now.” Joe says he never goes out to gay clubs, because he hates it when “all the old guys hit on me.” Generally he only meets other gay people off the Internet. “It just seems to be safer than going out and meeting some random stranger in a bar. At least I talk to them for awhile first.”

Attitudes and statements like those make a lot of older gay men see red. “These kids today just piss me off,” says Thom, a 40-year old painter in Northern California. “And I know I sound just like my Dad when I say that, but it’s true. They would be nowhere without the people who came before them, people who looked at going out to a gay club like it was just as much a political statement as it was about having fun. I think it was people like me, and people a lot older than me, who made it easier for them to come out. They have a great way of showing their gratitude. And by the way…aren’t younger people getting HIV more these days than any other group? Great job, kids!”

“Young people today seem to whine a lot more than we ever did,” contends Sam, a 37-year old salesman in upstate New York. “And yet they have so many things going for them, so much more than we did when we were all growing up alone and isolated. When I was 14 I wasn’t even sure if there was anyone else in the world who felt the same way I did. Kids today can see young gay characters on television and in the movies, and they can talk to other gay people on their computers. They start off so much farther ahead than we did, but for some reason they don’t seem to do much better when it comes to relationships or making some kind of contribution to society. To put it bluntly, I think they’re kind of fucking up a golden opportunity. I just don’t have time for them.”

“All these younger guys, the 20 to 25 group, think older guys like me just want to get them all into bed,” says Rick, a 45-year old software consultant in Mansfield, Ohio. “Please! What an utter waste of time would that be? They could never keep up, and good lord, what the hell would we even talk about?”

Now it’s hardly a newsflash to tell you that there’s a time-honored human tradition of conflict between generations, whether they’re gay or straight. Such behavior isn’t even confined to humans. Just watch Animal Planet some time; there’s always a young wolf aiming to knock off the leader of the pack, or a vicious predator lurking in the bushes, looking to make a meal out of something young and tasty. But while the younger generation of gay men usually forgoes the actual use of fangs and claws when they take over the joint, a lot of older gay men still feel bloodied by the experience; similarly, countless young and inexperienced gay men have been used or abused by someone a lot older and craftier than they.

Don’t get me wrong. There are numerous, undeniable cases where a younger man has given “new life” to an older man he loved or befriended, and instances where an older man has positively influenced a younger man through a loving relationship or simple mentoring. Those stories are part of the fabric of this book as well. But heartwarming and inspiring as they are, I can’t say they characterize the sentiments of a majority of the folks I’ve talked with. At best, the younger and older within the gay community are frequently living almost wholly separate lives; and when they do mix, they often find themselves casting wary eyes on each other, forever unsure and untrusting of the other’s intentions.