An Introduction to “Sissyphobia”

Originally this book wasn’t a book at all; it started first as a magazine article I wrote for Genre Magazine in the Summer of 1997. And long before that it was a frequent topic of conversations I’d been party to for years, in just about any place you can imagine...at parties and nightclubs, in downtown coffee shops and late-night gab fests over kitchen tables. Sometimes it’s been an all-gay crowd, just us queer boys chewing over the topic the way family members will go on about this crazy uncle or that eccentric aunt. Other times the subject just sort of popped out of nowhere, right in the middle of a bunch of straight boys totally clueless that when they were talking about “those fags,” they were talking about yours truly, too. Whatever the crowd there were always lots of opinions, but never a satisfying answer to what’s become, for me at least, one of Life’s little mysteries...

Why is it that some gay men behave in what’s often called an “effeminate” manner, while other gay men are more masculine? Why is an otherwise attractive man sometimes less desirable to us if he begins to exhibit certain characteristics that make him appear less manly, and more like the classical gay stereotype? And when we see an effeminate-behaving man, why do so many of us simply assume he’s likely gay, even if he’s out with a girlfriend or shopping at Walmart with a wife and three kids in tow?

All those questions are pretty thorny, but they’re still only about half of what this book is all about. It’s probably more important to ask what is it exactly about effeminate men that annoys or disgusts so many people? Or a better way to put it: what is it about society--and I’m absolutely talking about gay society as well as the straight world outside--that finds effeminate behavior in men so objectionable?

I did a lot of research for that original article--and a hell of a lot more when I tackled this book--as I tried to look for some answers. I talked with geneticists and biologists, queer theorists, counselors and psychotherapists, all of them experts in their disciplines. As much as possible I made room for their opinions. But the real stars here are the hundreds of “regular” folks I talked with--male and female, gay and straight, young and old, parents of now-grown children, and parents of young boys already showing fairly distinctive effeminate characteristics--from all over the country. It turns out there are some pretty strong opinions out there about effeminate men, and as we go along here you’ll see just how strong some of those beliefs are. For some effeminate men are nothing less than heroic, and they’re admired for the sheer bravery of being true to themselves. Others take severe issue with their “gentle” brothers and unload a lot a hostility in their direction, blasting them for being a throwback to the past, and a drag on the future.

I’ve been out now for more than twenty years, and over that time I’ve listened to lots of bitching about the “flamers” who’ve become the over-riding symbol of what being gay is all about. I’ve known scores of men who’ve stayed in the closet just to keep from being linked to guys like that. Many of them believe that men who behave in an effeminate manner do so intentionally, even maliciously, and in so doing hold the “rest of us” back from ever reaching the Promised Land, a world that accepts men who just happen to love and desire other men.

But you know what? Bitching turns out to be a two-way street, and there’s a lot of traffic on the other side of the highway...a large number of men who don’t give a rat’s ass about society’s tolerance or acceptance. They’ve already scratched and clawed their way out of some pretty smothering expectations, society-wise; they’re not buying anyone’s prescription for conformity, especially those they see as “hetero-wannabes.” The postures they adopt are strongly individualistic, and whether they’re a conscious choice or not isn’t something they care about. If it pisses anyone off, so much the better; do you think phrases such as “deal with it” or “get over it” just happened all by themselves? They’re not just words, they’re a world view.

All of this backbiting isn’t just for party chatter, though I’ll admit it certainly has made a party or two more lively in my time. It actually cuts to a rather crucial aspect of human existence and co-existence, how we view ourselves, and how we view others. Many of us have long wondered what makes us gay, just how much is nature, and just how much is nurture. A logical follow up to that question is why some men behave in effeminate, even flamboyant ways, and why others don’t. For what we are talking about here is the single characteristic that makes us stand out, a “fag tag” if you will, that sets many of us--possibly most of us--apart from an overwhelmingly hetero world. Whether the assessment is accurate or not doesn’t really matter all that much...outside the comfy confines of a gay ghetto or the halls of academia, any man who walks with a discernible “swish” can be and often is a magnet for trouble, be it simple discrimination, school yard hazing, or life-threatening violence. And that’s what takes this debate out of the context of a simple family feud. After a year of interviews, emails, and phone calls, everything I’ve learned about the attitudes of our somewhat fractious gay “community” makes me want to pose the question: If we ourselves can’t embrace, even celebrate the differences we find within our own family, how we can expect an often mystified, and sometimes hostile, straight world to ever fully welcome us into its fold...or conversely, to just leave us the hell alone?

Excerpts From Chapter One